Join for FREE | Take the Tour Lost Password?
[x]

deviantART

 

The She that I am not by ~darkenedserenity:icondarkenedserenity:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional




Across broken shelled beaches
we walked.
heels pressing pools of water
into the sand

on that day, there was no sun
and no clouds
we smiled up at the sky
like there were

Collecting starfish
in our shirts like hard snowflakes,
we stood in the tide
battered by frothy waves

you thought of kissing
the hollow of my neck
the place where I began-
my origins of frailty

walking into the ocean,
lost amongst the waves
I found myself
under the salty wet of the Atlantic

and I screamed

for the she that I wasn't
©2003-2010 ~darkenedserenity
:icondarkenedserenity:

Author's Comments

Cliche concept maybe but I just want to scream without being heard

Underwater it is then...

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconflamemc:
~flamemc Dec 11, 2003, 9:44:46 AM
Love the third stanza.

--
if nobody speaks of remarkable things, how can they be called remarkable?
:iconmyrth:
~myrth Nov 8, 2003, 10:14:13 PM
mmm, this pushes and pulls back.. almost like waves.. very gentle, but not without its dangers..
:iconsomedrunkblackspoon:
!somedrunkblackspoon Nov 5, 2003, 7:31:10 PM
i haven't much to say today, but i did enjoy reading it. i didn't feel like killing you after i got done, so it must be that good at least.

--
love so deep, kills you in your sleep
:iconshadow2:
~shadow2 Nov 5, 2003, 1:01:31 AM
but i did kiss you

--
"In the Shadows we are Legion"
-BILE

€admired€ ghrendal - dholms - gabrialfalling - snottyangst - darkenedserenity -ceah - sarcovenator
:iconxxxxxx:
!xxxxxx Nov 4, 2003, 8:30:43 AM
I don't like the second stanza too much. It seems like a "break" stanza, not really all that relevant. It would work better as a connector, I think, between other (related) ones.

I like the other stanzas. Cliche concept, maybe, but you've used it well to express a personal something and that is the point. As usual, this is very fine, polished, smooth and beautiful.

--
:gummybear: deviant art will ban you for being mean.
:iconsnarling-snail:
~snarling-snail Nov 3, 2003, 10:33:09 PM
she shells see shells sea sells she swells sea shells see selves she sells sea swells...

I enjoyed it.

--
"For a self-absorbed and brooding mind, pain itself is an anodyne."—Huxley
:iconlivingbyair:
~livingbyair Nov 3, 2003, 8:19:32 PM
'like there were'

^should the 'there' be 'they' ? - i think it'd go better.

but the images of the starfish, ahhh! awesomeness. thankyou! :D
:icondarkenedserenity:
~darkenedserenity Nov 4, 2003, 6:46:11 AM
i'm not sure i agree that works, surely it would then have to be

like they were there

hmm

--
Fear the man who has nothing to lose, for he who has nothing to lose has nothing to fear.
:iconthewaitingproject:
~thewaitingproject Nov 3, 2003, 12:51:31 PM
mm...when the poem starts it provides me with so many tangible images, but for me, the best part is the last stanza and last couple of lines. The idea of going under something, blanket-like, whether it is a literal ocean, or something metaphorical...and the realisation that the end of the poem brings. The way that I read this, I have felt these things...
amazing, in a subdued way, for me at leat :) x
:icondarkenedserenity:
~darkenedserenity Nov 3, 2003, 1:35:50 PM
heh, I'm glad you felt it

--
Fear the man who has nothing to lose, for he who has nothing to lose has nothing to fear.
Previous Page123Next Page

Found in these Groups:

Not currently found in a Group

Details

November 3, 2003
780 bytes
12.8 KB
200×288

Statistics

25
3 [who?]
285 (0 today)
87 (0 today)

Share

Link
Thumb

Site Map

©2010 deviantART. All rights reserved
About Us | Contact Us | Site Tour | Help & FAQ Advertise | Services Etiquette | Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Copyright Policy